Beyond the Battle Personal Tales of Addiction's Toll on Families| Ep 99

Welcome to Never Stop Building, where we discuss all things business, growth and leveling up to become the most elite version of yourself. We're here to challenge fear and shatter doubt. Let's dive in what's up, everybody. Welcome back to Never Stop Building. I'm your host, sam Kaufman, as always, incredibly grateful to be here talking with you today. It's holiday season right now.

I made a post the other day Actually, it was probably a couple weeks ago While I was doing some cardio. I reflected on my last Christmas as a junkie. That'll be the title of the episode my last Christmas as a junkie. The reason I want to talk about it is because there's a lot of people struggling through addiction right now during this holiday season. The holidays are really hard on addicts. The holidays are super hard on families of addicts. Something specific inspired this episode. I made that post.

I'm not going to share any details or names, but somebody reached out to me the spouse of an active addict because of the post I made. They were a little frustrated, I wouldn't say with me. They were very respectful, but they made an interesting point about how we talk about addiction and we talk about lifting up the addict and we talk about recovery for the addict. What's not talked about as frequently is lifting up the family of addicts and lifting up and talking about recovery for the families of people who suffer from addiction. Addiction really is a family disease. It really does tear apart families. I know for myself in the height of my addiction. So back at that time, before I moved from Jersey to South Carolina to get clean, I told that story about how my mom came and got me. I jumped out of the car and I've told that story before. Those who haven't heard it dig back. It's there. I'll tell it again one day. It's a great story.

At that time that I was living in New Jersey, I can probably tell you that I was slowly killing my father. The amount of stress, for all intents and purposes, man, my dad wasn't enabled. I'm aware of that. He's aware of that at this point. But he loved in the way that he loved, he tried to help. In the way that he tried to help, he enabled a lot of my behavior. He paid for lawyers and bailed me out of jail and paid to get his car out of in-pound over and over and over again. He was just trying to keep his son out of prison. He was just trying to keep me alive. He was just trying to keep me around. Unfortunately, in that scenario, what happens is he did not allow me to take personal responsibility for my behavior. I wasn't asking for it. My life didn't change until I took personal responsibility for my behavior.

At this time, I think the level of stress I remember, man. I remember my dad's life being laid up for days. He was back, thrown out or had stomach ulcers at one point. Like the stress was killing me.

My dad's, like a survived heart patient, had a massive heart attack when I was a kid, so bad that like I got taken to the hospital. I was like 11, I got taken to the hospital to say goodbye to him. That's what I was told by it. Like my parents were split up at the time. But like the hospital, like my mom grabbed me and took me because the doctor said like he's not gonna make it through the night, had a double bypass a few years later. So like my dad's got like cardio cardiac disease, a few things there, and so like my addiction was destroying him. Now you could say, yeah, well, he, let me stay there. Yeah, you're right. You're right, he was a grown man and he made his own decisions.

But our decision making is often stupid when we love people, especially when it's a parent or a child and so, or a spouse, sibling, and so I've watched firsthand, I've seen families get torn apart. You know like when you're an active addict, you have a lot of active addict friends and, like I, watched their families get torn apart and the worst part about the whole thing is the family is helpless because the addict has to make a decision. And when I say addict I wanna be clear I'm talking about alcoholism, I'm talking about gambling, I'm talking about sex addiction, I'm talking about porn addiction, I'm talking about drug addiction. But obviously alcoholism and drug addiction take a very different and more intensive toll, most of the time because of the severity of, especially the drugs, especially the card drugs, the severity and the life threatening risk of using them to begin with, and so stress is usually heightened and elevated and concern is heightened and elevated, and almost all family members become enablers, especially in the beginning, because they want to help.

And so this person reached out to me and they were frustrated. They have an active addict spouse. The spouse is lying to them, to their family, to their friends, to the internet. The spouse is just not doing what needs to be done. And the family member of the addict was like I appreciate your posts about lifting up the addict and recovery and all that stuff, but what does the family do? And it was a really good question. I've also been the family member of an active addict and I don't tell the story, not from withholding information, but it was actually this message, this conversation, that actually made me realize that I had been through this.

And so my wife and I got together. We met in early recovery. Is anybody in recovery? That's like a big no-no, that's like a big don't do that, it's dangerous. But truthfully, I've pretty much gone against every don't do that, it's not gonna work out. But if you want me to do something 10 times harder, just say don't do that, it's not gonna work out. I appreciate a challenge probably way too much. Fortunately, I've learned to tail that into much better, more fruitful and healthy endeavors. But I really, really liked it, the challenge.

I met my wife in early recovery. I was clean for like less than a year when we met. She wasn't clean at all, she was just lying about being clean. We were like dating and then like I caught her using and I was like like long story short. I was like it's like I'm not gonna be with you If you don't stop. She quit, and she quit for a couple years, two or three years. We got engaged. We stayed together. Actually, I think she got. I think she was playing for four years and it was like seven months, seven or eight months before our wedding that she relapsed.

And when she relapsed she came home one night. She went out, she drank with friends and like there's going to be a lot of resonating in the story for anybody who's dealt with addiction or is the addict. And like she went out with some friends from work. She came home she was drunk. I was like, hey, have you been drinking? And she was like, yeah, I had and I don't plan on stopping. And in that moment I became the spouse of an activator, something that I never, ever planned on or anticipated becoming, and it was one of the hardest seasons of my entire life.

Even just telling the story right now I'm like I don't tell this story a lot just because it's just not part of our lives anymore, but it's actually it's pretty emotional I had as so like when I got clean I was like I was like recovery, not to, and, truthfully, like I still have a lot of those beliefs about how recovery works and how being sober works and how being clean works, and I've actually had to see anybody prove me wrong. I don't argue with people about it anymore. I don't fight with people when they're like oh, I don't have a problem just like not going to drink for this amount of time, or I don't have a problem just not going to smoke for this amount of time, or I don't have a problem. Okay, like my, I'm of the opinion that if you have to clarify you don't have a problem, you probably have a problem. And if you have to set time limits on your using or not using it, like you probably have more of a problem than think you do, even if that problem is just that it is not feeding your spirit, purpose or passion. That alone is a detraction from the best version of yourself, which in essence, is problem. And so, like I was very much like I would never be with somebody who was using because I got clean.

I was a heroin or crack addict 11 years ago and when I got clean, like I was legitimately going to die. For me, drinking and using drugs is life and death. So variety is the only way for me to live my life. I proved that to myself time and time and time and time again, and so in my relationship. So it was very important for me I was not going to marry somebody who was using and she relapsed and she was like I'm not going to stop. Like you want out, go now. Now, mind you, we have a daughter and a son, we have a family, I have a business, we have a life, we built a life and I wasn't just going to leave. I didn't know what to do. I called some mentors, I call some people, but I'll never forget the day. So she came home that night and she was drunk and the next day I went.

I was still installing physically on site, right, like four or five crews going at this time, or maybe two or three crews, I don't remember, but like I was still physically installing cabinets as well, and I'll never forget that job, I was installing cabinets on the island and it was a double angled island and that probably means nothing to most of you, but it's a difficult island to lay out from a mathematical perspective. You got to get the angles just right. You got to cut the fillers at a particular angle to get everything to match up plumb level and square on the island walls. Anyway, long story short, I'm on the ground laying out doing my math and chalk right, doing chalk on the ground. I just started balling down and like my tears are watching the chalk off the concrete as I'm trying to get the math and like I'm getting angry and I'm getting crying harder and getting angry. I actually had a guy with me at that time who has since relapsed and disappeared from my life, but he was working with me at the time and he just put his hand on my shoulder and he was like man, it's time to be done for the day. Like let's go talk, let's get something to leave, let's get at it, you can't do this. Like you're too messed up, too beat up. I didn't listen. I actually like to work, so finished the job. But long story short, it was the most.

It was one of the most painful experience I had felt like I had been cheated on and I think a lot of family members I'll talk about spouses specifically, because I'm not, I've not dealt with as a child, thank God, and I pray. I pray I never have to go through. My parents went through as a parent, but as a spouse If somebody has a problem with alcohol or drugs it felt like I'd been cheated on. It felt like I had been betrayed at the highest level. It felt like what that feeling is is like you chose something over me, and I think I would imagine, from an empathy standpoint, that's how it feels for spouses when there's a drug or alcohol addiction in the home and the person refuses to stop. Why are you choosing this over me? Why are you choosing this over our family? Why are you choosing this over our children? Why are you choosing this over this life that we've built or are still building? Why are you choosing this over everything else that you told me was important?

And my message to the family member and before I do the message to the family member, my now wife, who's been cleaning sober for many years. She kept using, for she got a lot of clean right before our wedding and she kept using for a while and I watched her. I watched her choose our family after she chose herself. I watched her choose sobriety, which subsequently led to choosing her husband and her children. It was so hard, it was in so much pain and it was so hard to stay sober, it was so hard to watch, it was so scary. I did not trust her right away. It was. I mean, there were moments years later where I would question her. You sober right now. Do you use Because it was so traumatic?

And that's why I relate it to like that like adultery thing where, like if you get cheated on and like thank God in our relationship, like that's never been an issue, like I've been cheated on before, you don't. Generally you don't get the same level of or style or trust back very quickly and there's that like it could be years of questioning the truth. Like once you are betrayed by somebody that you trust at the highest level, you start to question everything about your relationship. Did they mean that? Did they mean that? Was that a lie? And my message is that alcoholism and addiction hijacked the realm at such a high level which you're no longer dealing with. The same person who told you those things that meant so much to you, that person meant those things. That person loved you. That person was telling the truth at the time.

The alcoholism and the addiction it hijacks everything, everything, everything from a spiritual standpoint to a physical standpoint, to emotional standpoint, to a mental health standpoint, to a thought patterns, processes, speaking words. Everything becomes about how to get the next one. Everything becomes about how to open more doors for drinking and drug use. Everything becomes about how to get to that place faster, every single day, regardless of what and who you're destroying in the way, and until sobriety takes place, there's nothing that you can do to change that about that person. Now the person has to choose to be sober. The person has to choose to want help. The person has to choose to be better. The person has to choose to do really, really, really hard work to be the best version of themselves.

To maintain sobriety. You have to do the same thing as the spouse. You have to choose to prioritize yourself. You have to choose to prioritize your family. Sometimes that might mean kicking somebody out. It might mean leaving. It's oftentimes going to require therapy or support groups. Alenon and Naranon these are alcohol and drug addiction support recovery groups for family members and friends of addicts and alcoholics. They're incredible resources and references to go to for literature, community group support and sometimes, if it's worse, more violent, more abusive, more destructive, you'll have to make the authorities involved and you have to go to professional help and get some therapy and you may have to leave the home. And the reality of the situation is you will never be enough to sway the diseased brain of an addict or an alcoholic to change. They have to decide to change on their own. They can decide to change for you, but you will never be able to convince them to change, to sell them on changing.

The night of my last using my mother, I was staying at her house as an adult because there was no other option other than being homeless again, my mother came down. It was probably two or three o'clock in the morning and I was tweaked out of my mind and my mom said hey, I'm done. You got two weeks. You got to get out of here. I have a family to raise, you have younger brothers, I have a husband. Your grandmother lives here. This version of you can no longer be a part of this family. You've got to go. I love you, but you're not willing to or open to help and it's time to say goodbye.

And she left. She walked away and I got sober the following day because I she quit. She quit. She understood. She understood that there was nothing she could do that would be more loving to me Then forced me to face the reality and the truth of my decisions and my disease. And when she did that it completely changed my mindset about doing the hard work necessary to stay clean. But all the years that people tried to save me, help me and pay for things and get me out of this and get me and I'm grateful for it, man, like I'm so grateful it was God at work the whole time, you know, I heard nobody did anything wrong. It was all in God's plan.

But it wasn't until the person most important to me at that time in my life, who was my mom, told me she quit, she's out period, goodbye. That I was willing to make the change necessary to change, and my family had to heal for years afterwards. They had to do work on themselves. I had. They didn't like. We had to rebuild trust. We had to rebuild happiness. We had to rebuild communication. We had to rebuild everything. And that had to happen with my wife too, when she relaxed before we got married. We had to rebuild everything. We could rebuild trust. We could rebuild the phone. We had to rebuild communication. We could rebuild honesty. We could rebuild everything and it fucking sucked. But it does happen. It does work. It's a process. It's difficult, but the family needs support. The family needs to heal too.

The addict or alcoholic getting clean and sober is necessary for the conjoined healing process to happen. But if you're the family member of that person, you are 100%, solely responsible for getting the help you need to heal, and getting it immediately, because you have to take care of yourself, you have to take care of your family, you have to have a job, you have to take care of your kids, if you have kids. You cannot keep waiting on and relying on the addict or alcoholic to get better for you to decide that it's time to get healthy again. I want to share this message for anybody struggling this holiday season and just let you know that there is a way out. Recovery is possible. Addiction and alcoholism is not the end for you or for your loved one. There is help. There are 12 step groups. There are treatment centers. There are tons of free resources literature, podcasts, youtube videos, communities, churches. There's a million paths to get help. It's possible and if you're struggling, I hope that you get it and I pray for you. See you guys next time.